How to make friends with your anxiety
Many clients come to therapy hoping to "get rid" of their anxiety. Even if they understand it’s unrealistic to expect to eliminate it completely, their underlying goal is often to "fix" it, "overcome" it, and eventually reach a place where they no longer have to deal with anxiety.
The truth is, you’ll never be able to get rid of anxiety entirely. It's much like saying you can get rid of sadness forever. Sadness, like anxiety, will come and go throughout life, and a life completely free of it is likely neither realistic, nor even desirable.
The issue arises when feelings like anxiety or sadness become extreme and begin to negatively affect our relationships, work, or overall sense of well-being. In these cases, therapy can help influence the intensity or impact of anxiety so that it no longer dictates how we live our lives. However, fighting anxiety head-on is rarely the most effective approach. As Carl Jung wisely said, "What we resist not only persists, but will grow in size."
The first step in working with anxiety is accepting that it will always be a part of you. Instead of criticizing yourself for still experiencing it, try to view anxiety as an "old friend" who’s simply back again. There's no need to beat yourself up for not having "gotten past it" yet.
What Is the Purpose of Anxiety?
Believe it or not, anxiety is designed to keep us safe. Similar to fear, it serves an evolutionary purpose by detecting and alerting us to potential threats. However, anxiety can sometimes be misguided, especially when it focuses on unknown or anticipated threats in the future.
When anxiety arises, it’s important to remember that its purpose is to protect us. Before simply dismissing it, get curious about what it’s about. Perhaps you’re worried about your relationships, your career, or your financial security. Regardless of whether the threat is realistic, these are valid human concerns that deserve attention. Acknowledging these vulnerabilities can help us better understand what’s beneath the anxiety.
By resisting or trying to eliminate anxiety as soon as it appears, we cut ourselves off from the opportunity to understand its root cause. Instead, by recognizing its protective role, we can begin to see anxiety as a tool for insight.
How to Work with Anxiety, Rather Than Against It
Once we stop fighting anxiety, we can begin to build a healthier, more cooperative relationship with it. Here are a few approaches to help shift your mindset:
Slow Down and Get Curious About Your Anxiety. Anxiety often arises when we’re moving too fast or feeling overwhelmed. It can narrow our focus and escalate quickly. By slowing down and approaching anxiety with curiosity, we open ourselves to a mindset that is more flexible, grounded, and open. This shift helps to break anxiety spirals before they grow, reducing the intensity of the experience.
Notice the Sensations of Anxiety in Your Body. Becoming aware of where and how anxiety shows up in your body is a powerful tool. By naming the sensations—whether it's a tight chest, shallow breathing, or a racing heart—we can interrupt the anxious thought patterns and reconnect with the present moment. The more familiar we become with our anxiety’s physical cues, the easier it is to address it before it spirals into a full-blown episode.
Ask: What Is My Anxiety Trying to Tell Me? Rather than dismissing your anxiety, consider what it might be signaling. What is it urging you to pay attention to? A creative way to explore this is by engaging in a dialogue with your anxiety. Write it out or speak with it to better understand its source. By approaching anxiety with empathy and creating space for it to express itself, you may find that it needs to speak less loudly to be heard.
Once we create a healthier relationship with anxiety, we can begin to use it as a helpful indicator. It’s as if the physical sensations of anxiety are your body’s way of sending you an alert—a warning light on your dashboard. By choosing to listen to it, anxiety becomes a tool for personal insight and growth.
So, the next time anxiety shows up, try thanking it.
"Thank you for getting my attention. Now, what is it that I need to look into…?"
Want more? Check out our short video on Frame about making friends with your anxiety.