Is codependent a dirty word?
Codependency is a term that often carries a heavy stigma and negative connotation. But despite its reputation, codependency is not inherently bad; rather, it’s a deeply rooted adaptive strategy that often originates in early relationships and can profoundly impact adult dynamics. However, just like many patterns, it can end up holding us back later in life.
Understanding Codependency
At its core, codependency involves prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own, often to the detriment of personal well-being.
However, most of the issues our clients walk in with started as adaptive in some way. The first thing to ask yourself is, “What need are you trying to meet with this approach, and where or how did you learn that this was the best way to do it?”
For many, codependent patterns began in childhood as a way to navigate challenging environments and maintain critical connections. More often than not the behavior is frequently linked to an underlying desire for attachment, connection, or even survival.
For example, a child might learn to comfort a parent experiencing depression to preserve a sense of attachment. Or they might avoid expressing their needs to prevent triggering anger in a caregiver. While these behaviors can evolve into unhealthy relational patterns in adulthood, leading to difficulties in setting boundaries and maintaining a balanced sense of self, it’s important to important to look at them not in judgment, but in awe. That a child could figure out a strategy and adapt in order to stay connected before they could probably talk, walk, or understand what that meant is pretty incredible! The problem is, of course, it’s not fair to you and it’s not serving you now.
Codependency in Relationships
Codependency doesn’t exist in isolation; it’s always part of a larger dynamic. In couples, codependent tendencies are often reinforced by complementary behaviors. For instance, one partner may derive their self-worth from caregiving, while the other relies on this care to manage their own struggles, such as low self-esteem or substance use. This dynamic creates a cycle that’s difficult to break without intentional work, and also creates a great amount of enmeshment.
Differentiation: The Antidote to Codependency
In therapy, we focus on helping individuals and couples reduce enmeshment and achieve greater differentiation—or, the ability to maintain a strong sense of self while staying emotionally connected to others. It’s about finding a balance between autonomy and intimacy, a both/and rather than an either/or.
Differentiation is the learning the balance between being able to hold onto yourself, while also being in connection with another.
Without differentiation, individuals may either sacrifice their identity to maintain connection. Alternatively, they may overcorrect and end up build walls so rigid that meaningful connection becomes impossible in order to protect and prevent themselves losing themselves. Therapy aims to help clients find the middle ground where they can hold onto themselves while engaging in healthy, reciprocal relationships.
Role Models of Healthy Differentiation
Healthy differentiation might look like a couple where both partners actively pursue their individual interests while staying emotionally connected. For example, one partner might enjoy a solo weekend retreat while the other pursues a hobby, both returning to the relationship with a renewed sense of self and connection. This balance allows each person to grow individually while strengthening their bond.
Strategies for Overcoming Codependency
Below are some practical ways to begin shifting out of codependent patterns and cultivating healthier dynamics:
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Understanding that you are not responsible for your partner’s feelings, choices, or responses is essential. While it’s natural to want to help, enabling harmful patterns can prevent both partners from growing. Supporting your partner while letting their problems remain theirs is a crucial step toward healthier boundaries.
Cultivate Individual Autonomy
Codependent relationships often become insular, so it’s vital to foster a sense of self outside the relationship. This might include building a supportive social network, pursuing hobbies, or rediscovering interests. Strengthening your individuality allows you to show up more fully in your relationship.
Focus on Your Relationship With Your Self
A healthy relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other relationships. Engage in self-care practices that nurture your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Prioritize self-reflection and introspection to better understand your needs, desires, and boundaries. Building self-esteem and practicing self-compassion helps you recognize your worth, independent of your relationship with others.
Bolster Your Support System
Both individual therapy and deepening your social support network provide a dedicated space to explore personal needs and patterns beyond the relationship. Engaging with trusted friends, family, or support groups can offer new perspectives and encouragement. Therapy, in particular, is invaluable for uncovering the roots of codependent behaviors and developing healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. By building a robust support system, you create the foundation for growth and healing, giving you the strength to break free from codependent patterns.
Shifting Perspectives on Relationships
A key part of healing from codependency involves re-evaluating how relationships are understood. Cultural narratives often focus on finding “the one” rather than fostering healthy relational dynamics. A truly fulfilling partnership is built on mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared responsibility for the relationship’s well-being.
Instead of focusing solely on a partner’s qualities, it’s important to consider how the relationship makes you feel and whether it aligns with your values and needs. Healthy relationships are characterized by balance, where both partners feel seen, respected, and supported.
Lastly, it’s important to recognize if you’re in a relationship that is conditioned by your partner’s problems getting “fixed” or by you making sure they’re managed. Not only does this end up robbing you of your autonomy and individual personhood, but it also robs your partner of theirs.
Final Thoughts
Healing from codependency is a journey that requires self-compassion, curiosity, and courage. It’s about recognizing that the behaviors you developed were once adaptive and learning new ways to meet your core needs in healthier, more sustainable ways. Seeking therapy and building supportive connections can provide invaluable guidance on this path.
Healing from codependency isn’t about becoming completely independent or detaching from relationships; it’s about cultivating interdependence—a healthy middle ground where both individuality and connection thrive. With intentional effort and support, individuals can build relationships that are fulfilling, balanced, and aligned with their true needs and values.
For more, listen to our interview on The Codependummy Podcast with Marissa Esqibel, LMFT where we discuss codependency in greater depth. You can listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple, and Youtube.